Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Managing Conflict
There are actually different types of conflict and relationship conflict is the major conflict that I have problem handling it. I feel that there are no such things such as conflict. In every one’s life, there is bound to have one or two conflict that cannot be avoided. A relationship with conflict may not be considered unhealthy. Conflicts can be productive, creating deeper understanding, closeness and respect or on the other hand, they can be destructive, causing resentment, hostility and divorce. I was in a relationship before. The other party and I did not have any single conflict. I thought that we would be long together. I always avoid or deny the existence of a conflict. I will just brush it off and think that he will change and this kind of situation would not occur again. I prefer to give in rather than struggle through the conflict. I never discuss my problems I am feeling with the other party because I'm afraid. Some may think that I am very silly on why should I be feeling afraid. That is because I'm afraid of hurting the other party. I feel that I would rather suffer alone than cause him to feel hurt.
Another kind of relationship conflict I have issues with are with my parents. I'm now 17 going 18 and I feel that my parents are still treating me as if I'm a 5 year old child but I know they are just protecting me for harm. I remember this incident clearly which has happened when I was 14. Normally people says that between the age of 13 to 15, adolescences tend to be very rebellious, getting themselves into constant danger such as gang fights, smoking, drugs, etc. Well as for me, I was very rebellious. I never listen to my parents always quarrel with them over small matters especially over my academic results. There was once I came home late and I have forgotten to inform my parents about my whereabouts. When I reached home, they started shouting and screaming at me telling how irresponsible I am. At the moment of anger they said that they wish that they I was like my brother. It struck me hard in my heart. It hurts. I am their daughter. I should be special in my own perspevtive and now repeatively compared with my brother. By that time it was ten minutes pass 9. I started thinking why are they treating me like this, how could they say such mean words to me. Only then, I realised of my pass doing which resulted them in being so controlling over me. They were doing their duties as parents in guiding and leading me from dwelling into the wrong companies. Come to think of it, this conflict with my parents has help me understand myself better as a person. I was just seeking attention from anyone be it my friends, family or grandparents. I know what triggers my anger and what is do be done to overcome it. Now, I amd aware of how to act in a conflict, the views, values, and interests I have articulate in a conflict, has help me learn a great deal about myself. My parents relationship and I has been deepen and enriched by making us more aware of our issues that are occuring. Many conflicts I have with my parents have been resolved. This has enabled us to take into account the other person’s views and values. This has enhancing mutual understanding between my parents and I.
There are five conflict management styles. They are the turtle, the sharks, the teddy bear, the fox and the owls.
Avoiding (The Turtle)
If you act like a turtle, you avoid or withdraw from a conflict or the other person. You give up your personal goals and relationships. Turtles feel helpless in a conflict and believe it is easier to withdraw (physically and psychologically) from a conflict than to face it. Withdrawing from a conflict over an important issue with a friend can be destructive.
Competing (The Shark)
If you act like a shark, your goals are highly important and relationships are less of a priority. You seek to achieve your goals at all costs, forcing others into submission and not caring if they like or accept you. Sharks often try to win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming, and intimidating others. If this style is used with friends, the relationships will be affected.
Accommodating (The Teddy Bear)
Teddy bears value harmony and want to be accepted or liked by others. To teddy bears, relationships are of great importance while their own goals are of little importance. They will give up their goals and let the other person achieve his or hers. Compromising (The Fox)
Foxes seek a compromise or middle ground when it appears that both parties cannot get what they want. They will sacrifice part of their goals and relationships in order to reach an agreement. They seek a conflict solution in which both sides gain something. Foxes are moderately concerned with their own goals and their relationships with others. Collaborating (The Owls)
When your goals and relationships are highly important to you, you want to act like an owl. You will negotiate to seek solutions that satisfy your goals and those of the other person so that a high-quality relationship can be maintained. Owls see conflict as a means of improving relationships by reducing tension between two persons. They are not satisfied until the tensions and negative feelings have been fully resolved.[[Kare Anderson’s Model for Conflict Resolution]]
Step 1: Know yourself and focus on what is most important to you. Identify the best outcome you hope to attain, your goal, and the minimum acceptable outcome you’ll accept. What will the result look like? How does it relate to my bottom line? How will it make me feel? Would the solution bring you closer to other person?
Step 2: Probe for others’ needs. Don’t assume what the other person wants. Take time to validate your assumptions before acting on them. Give allowance for the other’s lack of self-awareness. Use it to anticipate trouble and skirt it. Anticipate how he reacts to your actions when you meet him to resolve the conflict. Speak in a manner that the other person feels comfortable to you. Look for sources of fear and anger.
Step 3: Invest time to build trust. Show that you are really listening. Acknowledge differences and seek suggestions on how to move towards a mutually agreeable solution. Spend more time to get to know him. Practise smiling and watch your body language. Ask important question and for advise so as to find out exactly WHAT HE WANTS, HOW HE FEELS. LISTEN to show respect and that he is being heard. Control your negative emotions.
Step 4: Address the other person’s interest first. If you have ideas that are close to his ideas, desires and value, spell them out clearly. Explain the benefits to him; demonstrate how they relate to your benefits. Begin with positive points, move on to negative news and end on a positive note. Providing more options will help you to move towards agreement. Stay flexible. Don’t argue if you are not prepared. Acknowledge but need not agree.
Peace is a two way road of conflict and compromise.
Author: Ronald Thomas
